Sunday, May 27, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Reflecting on True Self
The concept of “True Self” often escapes description or a cohesive concept that all can agree on. The term itself was coined in psychology circles by Dr. Donald Winnicott. The idea of the real self has been around for some time, and within psychology it’s had many names with even more theories about where it lies. Ego, Authentic Self, True Self, Psyche all show some attempt to better define this aspect of a person’s self. Ideally a person in touch with his whole self and authentic, True self enjoys greater insight, less suffering, and a more healthy outlook.
It helps when discussing True Self to discuss what True Self is not. Looking at “false selves,” shows a piece of a person that is not the True Self. There are terms used regularly to show a false self’s presence: poser, fraud, cheat, fake, phony, hypocrite – it goes on. In some ways, a person knows he’s interacting with a false self, the same way he knows he’s interacting with a True Self – he knows it when he sees it, smells it, feels it. It’s much easier to confirm he has been deceived or mislead than to know he has been shown the authentic person. A person presenting a false self will say one thing, but their actions say something else. Each day people face the unfortunate truth that each person’s self they deal with (their own selves included) are falsifiable – it takes only witnessing a disingenuous act to realize “I’ve been duped.” (You can’t prove the absence of deception.)
A person expresses false selves for a number of reasons, all ultimately to protect herself. When she faces dangerous situations, it can be harmful to put her True Self forward. She may face criticism, invalidation, exclusion, cruelty, or oppression. Sometimes, she has good reason not to trust those around her. Families, communities, and cultures place consequences to challenges and changes. The drive to express her true self may seem insignificant to the faced consequence of that expression. When settings change, the consequences change, and the ability to be true to herself (hopefully) may come easily.
As noted in the last post – perception is everything. Often people don’t realize that they no longer live in such an oppressive setting as they once did. People often carry the values and culture they were raised in. While the culture has changed, the family has changed, and the consequences have changed, a person may not perceive the new conditions. One terrible trauma may change a person’s sense of security, altering their judgment of people and society. The strong emotions of trauma can exaggerate the accuracy of fears.
There are of course less protective reasons to be false. Lying, deceiving, misleading can get people things. The consequences down the line can be troubling: poor relationships, less respect from others and ourselves, arguments, retribution. Depending on past experiences, it may be more comfortable to portray a false self than share intimacy or keep respect. Again, perception may blind a person to such consequences or affect his priorities.
An exercise Dr. Marsha Linehan provides in her DBT material asks the reader to consider the person that has caused the reader the most suffering. The challenge for the reader is to examine what causes the transgressor’s own happiness and suffering. It’s a tricky feat for the victim of deception to recognize the human motivation that created the deception. It’s easier to accept (not condone) the reality of false selves when we aknowledge that not everyone feels safe in the world. It’s also easier to recognize the false selves that we rely on – and it’s worth considering whether we need them to stay safe. There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from experiencing and portraying our True Self, especially when we share her safely with others.
It helps when discussing True Self to discuss what True Self is not. Looking at “false selves,” shows a piece of a person that is not the True Self. There are terms used regularly to show a false self’s presence: poser, fraud, cheat, fake, phony, hypocrite – it goes on. In some ways, a person knows he’s interacting with a false self, the same way he knows he’s interacting with a True Self – he knows it when he sees it, smells it, feels it. It’s much easier to confirm he has been deceived or mislead than to know he has been shown the authentic person. A person presenting a false self will say one thing, but their actions say something else. Each day people face the unfortunate truth that each person’s self they deal with (their own selves included) are falsifiable – it takes only witnessing a disingenuous act to realize “I’ve been duped.” (You can’t prove the absence of deception.)
A person expresses false selves for a number of reasons, all ultimately to protect herself. When she faces dangerous situations, it can be harmful to put her True Self forward. She may face criticism, invalidation, exclusion, cruelty, or oppression. Sometimes, she has good reason not to trust those around her. Families, communities, and cultures place consequences to challenges and changes. The drive to express her true self may seem insignificant to the faced consequence of that expression. When settings change, the consequences change, and the ability to be true to herself (hopefully) may come easily.
As noted in the last post – perception is everything. Often people don’t realize that they no longer live in such an oppressive setting as they once did. People often carry the values and culture they were raised in. While the culture has changed, the family has changed, and the consequences have changed, a person may not perceive the new conditions. One terrible trauma may change a person’s sense of security, altering their judgment of people and society. The strong emotions of trauma can exaggerate the accuracy of fears.
There are of course less protective reasons to be false. Lying, deceiving, misleading can get people things. The consequences down the line can be troubling: poor relationships, less respect from others and ourselves, arguments, retribution. Depending on past experiences, it may be more comfortable to portray a false self than share intimacy or keep respect. Again, perception may blind a person to such consequences or affect his priorities.
An exercise Dr. Marsha Linehan provides in her DBT material asks the reader to consider the person that has caused the reader the most suffering. The challenge for the reader is to examine what causes the transgressor’s own happiness and suffering. It’s a tricky feat for the victim of deception to recognize the human motivation that created the deception. It’s easier to accept (not condone) the reality of false selves when we aknowledge that not everyone feels safe in the world. It’s also easier to recognize the false selves that we rely on – and it’s worth considering whether we need them to stay safe. There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from experiencing and portraying our True Self, especially when we share her safely with others.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Wired Magazine's, Jonah Lehrer gives a fantastic look at how trauma work has evolved over the decades. The possibilities at the cutting edge are remarkable and exciting. (This stuff has me astounded and energized.) Ultimately, the reasearch and article stresses the importance of feeling safe and relaxed when recounting troubling memories.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Adjusting Our Lenses to Let Go of Injustices
Perception is everything. At the end of the day, at the end of our long life, our perception is all we have. Considering we’ve spent a lifetime training ourselves to relate with this world with one type of lens, it’s difficult to switch our way of perceiving. Our style of perception works for us for better and worse. Have you ever taken a friend’s pair of glasses to take a peek? The way that pair bends the light to the eyes allows your friend to see as best as possible given the shape of your friend’s eyes – they don’t work as well for your eyes.
The style with which we cope with stressors and frustrations serves us, given the shape of our minds and hearts. It’s a little harder to measure our personality, attitudes, and identity with a simple trip to the optometrist. We rely on our own self assessment and reflection. Have you noticed times when it's been difficult to overlook unfair treatment? We can get jealous and angry that others get treated to promotions, awards, prizes that do not directly have anything to do with us. We often talk with friends about someone else's Facebook status or talk about someone else in our Facebook status.This kind of tallying and ruminating has been called Injustice Collecting.
A style of coping that uses injustice collecting rarely helps us let go of anger. We collect anger and keep the tension locked. Several researchers believe that the ability to track fairness and injustices provided an evolutionary advantage. Keeping tabs on unfair situations can help us assess our safety and need to speak up or intervene. Injustice collecting, however, is not one of the more helpful defense mechanisms or coping skills.
Keeping grudges is one type of injustice collecting. Holding on to intense anger does little service to us and does nothing to address the wrong. Grudges leave a person stewed in painful anger that has a direct physiological impact on our body and mind. Injustice collecting can also look like gossip – hashing and rehashing wrongs, acts of favoritism, or selfishness. While we often like to call this “blowing off steam,” it might be helpful to notice if it feels better after complaining. Does your body feel better? Do you feel better – happier, more satisfied, better justified?
Psychologists have categorized injustice collecting as a style of projection. Projection provides a style of coping by placing our negative and painful emotions in someone else. If a person has been having a bad day, he might question why all the people around him were in such foul moods. It can be easier to believe others have a more offensive disposition rather than admit to someone or himself that he feels frustrated and bitter. He has projected his ill feelings on to those around him, so that he doesn’t have to face his own painful feelings.
The projections that come through in our stories give a peek into our perception – the shape of our lenses. Our choices in what gossip, tidbits, and injustices that we announce conveys parts of ourselves that we fear and struggle to express. When we talk about others while they’re not present, it’s worth considering why we share those events or interaction. Often, the stories we decide to share about others’ lives, tell a great deal about what we feel about ourselves. Are we happy and happy for others? Do we feel the world is unfair? Do we think people are self interested and selfish? The gossip we share reflects a veiled projection of ourselves.
Collecting injustices fails to release grudges or forgive for human mistakes. How much can a person that holds grudges against others let go of grudges and hatred toward their own self? Collecting injustices keeps a person locked in the past, making it difficult to move on and transcend to finding solutions for the future. It’s like looking through those mirrored spyglasses in those gag catalog. Yes, you can see behind you, but wearing them makes it easier to mindlessly trip over oncoming obstacles.
Injustice collecting begets more injustice collecting. Like anything practiced, the more wrongs a person collects, the easier he can recognize the wrongs the next time. Collecting negative information reinforces those channels in the brain that identify negative information at the expense of the channels dedicated in identifying positive information. While a person gets really good at finding the wrongs in the world, it becomes harder for him to see his own successes and turns of luck. It also becomes harder to see the good in others and the blessings in the world.
As I often remind clients, it's usually easier to say than to do, and it's usually easier to do something rather than not do something. There are some helpful steps to reduce anger and connect with emotions. Examine the anger and own the anger. Evaluate how the situation directly affects you and whether the anger affects the situation. Question if the anger is for us or someone else. Were you wronged or was someone else wronged? If it is your anger recognize that the situation angers, frustrates, vexes, annoys, infuriates you. Telling yourself and others, “I am angry,” makes the emotion more real. When you own your anger, it's easier to recognize you that you can change your own attitude rather than others' attitudes or actions.
That recognition helps to bring focus to what you cannot control and what you can control. If you have some input in the matter, make an active, conscious choice to act or not act on that power. Try to find the good and the humanity in the situation. It can be incredibly hard to manage with a grudge, and when you do find the humanity in someone who's done you wrong, it can change your whole perspective on the situation. Hopefully, you'll find the lenses you look through are more in focus and maybe a little rosier.
The style with which we cope with stressors and frustrations serves us, given the shape of our minds and hearts. It’s a little harder to measure our personality, attitudes, and identity with a simple trip to the optometrist. We rely on our own self assessment and reflection. Have you noticed times when it's been difficult to overlook unfair treatment? We can get jealous and angry that others get treated to promotions, awards, prizes that do not directly have anything to do with us. We often talk with friends about someone else's Facebook status or talk about someone else in our Facebook status.This kind of tallying and ruminating has been called Injustice Collecting.
A style of coping that uses injustice collecting rarely helps us let go of anger. We collect anger and keep the tension locked. Several researchers believe that the ability to track fairness and injustices provided an evolutionary advantage. Keeping tabs on unfair situations can help us assess our safety and need to speak up or intervene. Injustice collecting, however, is not one of the more helpful defense mechanisms or coping skills.
Keeping grudges is one type of injustice collecting. Holding on to intense anger does little service to us and does nothing to address the wrong. Grudges leave a person stewed in painful anger that has a direct physiological impact on our body and mind. Injustice collecting can also look like gossip – hashing and rehashing wrongs, acts of favoritism, or selfishness. While we often like to call this “blowing off steam,” it might be helpful to notice if it feels better after complaining. Does your body feel better? Do you feel better – happier, more satisfied, better justified?
Psychologists have categorized injustice collecting as a style of projection. Projection provides a style of coping by placing our negative and painful emotions in someone else. If a person has been having a bad day, he might question why all the people around him were in such foul moods. It can be easier to believe others have a more offensive disposition rather than admit to someone or himself that he feels frustrated and bitter. He has projected his ill feelings on to those around him, so that he doesn’t have to face his own painful feelings.
The projections that come through in our stories give a peek into our perception – the shape of our lenses. Our choices in what gossip, tidbits, and injustices that we announce conveys parts of ourselves that we fear and struggle to express. When we talk about others while they’re not present, it’s worth considering why we share those events or interaction. Often, the stories we decide to share about others’ lives, tell a great deal about what we feel about ourselves. Are we happy and happy for others? Do we feel the world is unfair? Do we think people are self interested and selfish? The gossip we share reflects a veiled projection of ourselves.
Collecting injustices fails to release grudges or forgive for human mistakes. How much can a person that holds grudges against others let go of grudges and hatred toward their own self? Collecting injustices keeps a person locked in the past, making it difficult to move on and transcend to finding solutions for the future. It’s like looking through those mirrored spyglasses in those gag catalog. Yes, you can see behind you, but wearing them makes it easier to mindlessly trip over oncoming obstacles.
Injustice collecting begets more injustice collecting. Like anything practiced, the more wrongs a person collects, the easier he can recognize the wrongs the next time. Collecting negative information reinforces those channels in the brain that identify negative information at the expense of the channels dedicated in identifying positive information. While a person gets really good at finding the wrongs in the world, it becomes harder for him to see his own successes and turns of luck. It also becomes harder to see the good in others and the blessings in the world.
As I often remind clients, it's usually easier to say than to do, and it's usually easier to do something rather than not do something. There are some helpful steps to reduce anger and connect with emotions. Examine the anger and own the anger. Evaluate how the situation directly affects you and whether the anger affects the situation. Question if the anger is for us or someone else. Were you wronged or was someone else wronged? If it is your anger recognize that the situation angers, frustrates, vexes, annoys, infuriates you. Telling yourself and others, “I am angry,” makes the emotion more real. When you own your anger, it's easier to recognize you that you can change your own attitude rather than others' attitudes or actions.
That recognition helps to bring focus to what you cannot control and what you can control. If you have some input in the matter, make an active, conscious choice to act or not act on that power. Try to find the good and the humanity in the situation. It can be incredibly hard to manage with a grudge, and when you do find the humanity in someone who's done you wrong, it can change your whole perspective on the situation. Hopefully, you'll find the lenses you look through are more in focus and maybe a little rosier.
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