You Can Always Ask, They Can Always Say 'No'

There's a list of recommended exercises I pull from when working on assertiveness with clients. It comes from Dr. Linehan's DBT Manual - the Interpersonal Effectiveness chapter. It's a whole list of ways to make requests of people in settings that are generally safe. For some (including myself), a portion of the exercises can feel like a real challenge. 



There's two suggestions that didn't make the list, but other clients and group members have recommended. (I have since found them in other material.) One of those suggestions is asking a sales associate to open a display case for you without buying an item. I regularly picture the scene from Wayne's World in which the sales person in the guitar shop reluctantly obliges. BUT the salesperson draws the line at the first few notes of "Stairway." And, he ultimately asks Wayne to put the guitar back in the case. (Yes, I realize Wayne then purchases said guitar.) When building assertiveness, it helps to recognize that other people we make requests of have some responsibility in setting their own limits and refusing or rebuffing. If they don't want to hold resentment, it's their responsibility to keep to a line or say "No." Most people let us know gently and politely that we're putting them out or crossing a line.

Another suggestion brought up has been sending food back when dining at a restaurant (even if it is exactly what you asked for.) This tends to get a debate going in DBT skills groups I've led. In session, it often gets a strong pushback, as well. I'm all for the "social experiment" for a good cause -- restoring a person's voice and recognition of one's own worth. It excited me to read this article. "Why sending something back at a restaurant is perfectly fine — and how to do it right" Seattle Times Yes, it still does not bring up the issues of the legitimacy of the "social experiment"/exposure therapy in a restaurant setting. It does, however, show that a dish may still be sent back while by all measure it's a fine plate -- it comes down to personal taste.