Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Reflecting on True Self
The concept of “True Self” often escapes description or a cohesive concept that all can agree on. The term itself was coined in psychology circles by Dr. Donald Winnicott. The idea of the real self has been around for some time, and within psychology it’s had many names with even more theories about where it lies. Ego, Authentic Self, True Self, Psyche all show some attempt to better define this aspect of a person’s self. Ideally a person in touch with his whole self and authentic, True self enjoys greater insight, less suffering, and a more healthy outlook.
It helps when discussing True Self to discuss what True Self is not. Looking at “false selves,” shows a piece of a person that is not the True Self. There are terms used regularly to show a false self’s presence: poser, fraud, cheat, fake, phony, hypocrite – it goes on. In some ways, a person knows he’s interacting with a false self, the same way he knows he’s interacting with a True Self – he knows it when he sees it, smells it, feels it. It’s much easier to confirm he has been deceived or mislead than to know he has been shown the authentic person. A person presenting a false self will say one thing, but their actions say something else. Each day people face the unfortunate truth that each person’s self they deal with (their own selves included) are falsifiable – it takes only witnessing a disingenuous act to realize “I’ve been duped.” (You can’t prove the absence of deception.)
A person expresses false selves for a number of reasons, all ultimately to protect herself. When she faces dangerous situations, it can be harmful to put her True Self forward. She may face criticism, invalidation, exclusion, cruelty, or oppression. Sometimes, she has good reason not to trust those around her. Families, communities, and cultures place consequences to challenges and changes. The drive to express her true self may seem insignificant to the faced consequence of that expression. When settings change, the consequences change, and the ability to be true to herself (hopefully) may come easily.
As noted in the last post – perception is everything. Often people don’t realize that they no longer live in such an oppressive setting as they once did. People often carry the values and culture they were raised in. While the culture has changed, the family has changed, and the consequences have changed, a person may not perceive the new conditions. One terrible trauma may change a person’s sense of security, altering their judgment of people and society. The strong emotions of trauma can exaggerate the accuracy of fears.
There are of course less protective reasons to be false. Lying, deceiving, misleading can get people things. The consequences down the line can be troubling: poor relationships, less respect from others and ourselves, arguments, retribution. Depending on past experiences, it may be more comfortable to portray a false self than share intimacy or keep respect. Again, perception may blind a person to such consequences or affect his priorities.
An exercise Dr. Marsha Linehan provides in her DBT material asks the reader to consider the person that has caused the reader the most suffering. The challenge for the reader is to examine what causes the transgressor’s own happiness and suffering. It’s a tricky feat for the victim of deception to recognize the human motivation that created the deception. It’s easier to accept (not condone) the reality of false selves when we aknowledge that not everyone feels safe in the world. It’s also easier to recognize the false selves that we rely on – and it’s worth considering whether we need them to stay safe. There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from experiencing and portraying our True Self, especially when we share her safely with others.
It helps when discussing True Self to discuss what True Self is not. Looking at “false selves,” shows a piece of a person that is not the True Self. There are terms used regularly to show a false self’s presence: poser, fraud, cheat, fake, phony, hypocrite – it goes on. In some ways, a person knows he’s interacting with a false self, the same way he knows he’s interacting with a True Self – he knows it when he sees it, smells it, feels it. It’s much easier to confirm he has been deceived or mislead than to know he has been shown the authentic person. A person presenting a false self will say one thing, but their actions say something else. Each day people face the unfortunate truth that each person’s self they deal with (their own selves included) are falsifiable – it takes only witnessing a disingenuous act to realize “I’ve been duped.” (You can’t prove the absence of deception.)
A person expresses false selves for a number of reasons, all ultimately to protect herself. When she faces dangerous situations, it can be harmful to put her True Self forward. She may face criticism, invalidation, exclusion, cruelty, or oppression. Sometimes, she has good reason not to trust those around her. Families, communities, and cultures place consequences to challenges and changes. The drive to express her true self may seem insignificant to the faced consequence of that expression. When settings change, the consequences change, and the ability to be true to herself (hopefully) may come easily.
As noted in the last post – perception is everything. Often people don’t realize that they no longer live in such an oppressive setting as they once did. People often carry the values and culture they were raised in. While the culture has changed, the family has changed, and the consequences have changed, a person may not perceive the new conditions. One terrible trauma may change a person’s sense of security, altering their judgment of people and society. The strong emotions of trauma can exaggerate the accuracy of fears.
There are of course less protective reasons to be false. Lying, deceiving, misleading can get people things. The consequences down the line can be troubling: poor relationships, less respect from others and ourselves, arguments, retribution. Depending on past experiences, it may be more comfortable to portray a false self than share intimacy or keep respect. Again, perception may blind a person to such consequences or affect his priorities.
An exercise Dr. Marsha Linehan provides in her DBT material asks the reader to consider the person that has caused the reader the most suffering. The challenge for the reader is to examine what causes the transgressor’s own happiness and suffering. It’s a tricky feat for the victim of deception to recognize the human motivation that created the deception. It’s easier to accept (not condone) the reality of false selves when we aknowledge that not everyone feels safe in the world. It’s also easier to recognize the false selves that we rely on – and it’s worth considering whether we need them to stay safe. There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from experiencing and portraying our True Self, especially when we share her safely with others.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Wired Magazine's, Jonah Lehrer gives a fantastic look at how trauma work has evolved over the decades. The possibilities at the cutting edge are remarkable and exciting. (This stuff has me astounded and energized.) Ultimately, the reasearch and article stresses the importance of feeling safe and relaxed when recounting troubling memories.
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